So you’re Microsoft.

You’ve spend the whole year — and humpty dumpty millions of dollars — trying to extricate yourself from the unenviable market position as the uncool, up-tight nerdy guy from the Apple commercials. You’ve trumpeted Vista’s swooshiness, Zune-ified your advertising color palette, and even hired on gapringvoid’s Hugh MacLeod and his Big Blue Monster to liven up the party. Things are grand. It’s the New Microsoft™.

And then you piss in everyone’s eggnog.

Introducing the Microsoft Office Online Gift Guide: dozens of the most tedious, sad, and boring holiday suggestions on the planet — all in one convenient location. There’s even a graphic of someone’s hands cradling a tiny little gift, as if to underline the pettiness of Microsoft’s pathetic Christmas offerings.

And what do the elves of Redmond want you to stuff in your family and co-workers’ stockings this year? Here’s a sample:

• Traditional calendars for Excel, $7.50
• Make flowcharts a breeze, $19.95
• Back up your Office documents with ease, save more than 50%
• SpamBlazer eviscerates spam messages from your Outlook inbox for just $8
• Professional backgrounds for PowerPoint for only $199

Gifts only Scrooge (the pre-ghost Scrooge) could love. Take it from snarfd, anyone who gives these gifts this season should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

Link: Microsoft’s Online Office Gift Guide (via Boing Boing)